Yahoo Finance Deciding to Be a Caregiver for Someone You Love
After my mother died, my father's health spiraled downward, except I didn't want to notice. When I visited or called him, he seemed to handle life as well as can be expected for a man in his mid-80s. The youngest of three, I was the first to leave home 19 years earlier. Despite parting ways, we remained The Two Leos -- I came into this world in August on his 49 th birthday. Preserving his independence was my priority. However, this soon grew too challenging from 2,000 miles away.
He forgot that I lived in California. He even forgot my name from time to time, but he remembered how we were related. I attributed his forgetfulness to having lived a long life, which meant he had a lot to remember. I figured he was bound to forget his youngest and most rebellious child's name. The reality was he was forgetting and getting disoriented.
[See: Emerging Treatments for Alzheimer's Disease.]
During a phone call with my sister, I learned that our father had run-ins with the police. Confused, he was trying to drive on one of the wider sidewalks in a gentrified neighborhood near his home. He explained how hard it was getting around all the people walking in the street. Another time he took the expressway from Wisconsin to visit his brother in Illinois when he pulled over to the shoulder, parked, got out of his car and continued south on foot. He was picked up by the highway patrol or sheriff's department and taken to my uncle's house, while my brother dropped everything to retrieve his car.
It wasn't until the Department on Aging caseworker called after trying to reach my brother and sister to no avail. If one of us didn't come forward, she would have to order a safety check. If our father failed this, he'd be removed for a 72-hour psychiatric evaluation.
WHAT? My father wasn't crazy! He was a member of The Greatest Generation who minded his own business. He trusted our government. (My, have times changed!) He emigrated to America in 1920, studied and worked hard at odd jobs until landing a job as a machinist for General Electric. Living below his means, he accumulated enough to buy a house -- a piece of the American Dream. A longtime bachelor, he married at age 40 and three children later ... well, maybe we did drive him a little crazy!
I assured the caseworker that I would fly back to my childhood home but needed her help with where to begin. (I was clueless!)
After talking with representatives at the Alzheimer's Association in Chicago and Los Angeles, calling caregiving friends, reading pamphlets, going online and discussing what I learned with my husband, we came up with four options for my father's care.
[See: Do's and Don'ts of Home Medical Devices.]
1. Hire an in-home caregiver.
2. Move him into assisted living.
4. Spend time with him and then return home.
We weighed each of these four options given the distance, my father's condition, our values and our lifestyle.
Hire an In-Home Caregiver
We considered hiring an in-home caregiver, but how could I monitor the quality of care from afar?
If my own family, my own blood, neglected our father, how could I expect a non-family member to be responsible? I learned about geriatric care managers, after-the-fact. These are specialists who provide valuable advice on a wide-range of elder care-related options and even help implement them. One could have served as our local liaison.
Move My Father to Assisted Living
We were considering the same assisted living community in a suburban city that Nana, my husband's grandmother, lived in. Both were widowed, the same age and got along fabulously. My father enjoyed the sight of an attractive woman. Nana dressed fashionably and knew how to wear makeup attractively. She loved to talk and craved attention. My father was profoundly deaf, but he smiled as he kept his eyes on her. They got along perfectly. Sadly, when we asked if he'd like to live there, he replied, "This'll be a nice place to live, once I retire." He would be 86 that year.
Have Him Live With Us
We were deeply involved in our own careers, which required travel. Childless, the only dependents we had were four cats. They were on auto-pilot. If we put out enough food and water and cleaned their litterboxes regularly, they'd easily manage a few days on their own. I don't think we'd have the same results with my father who showed signs of dementia.
Enjoy My Visit With My Father and Return Home
Frustrated that I had to fly about 2,000 miles to take care of my father's affairs when I was the youngest and the first to leave home, I figured, let the state worry about him. Let my brother and sister, who live locally, deal with what would unfold.
[See: Apps to Mind Your Mental Health.]
The Decision to Care for a Loved One With Dementia
Labor Day fell during the middle of my two-week visit with my father. I invited my husband to join me during the extended weekend. Soon, we grew overwhelmed and frustrated while trying to make sense of and organize decades of my father's papers. We became exhausted of having to speak loudly and clearly so that he could hear what we were saying. We needed a break. A Milwaukee-based microbrewery was hosting an Oktoberfest celebration that weekend. Is there a better place to be for two native Milwaukeeans than a biergarten? With German music playing, we imbibed. With the effect of alcohol blunting the sharp edges of our suffering, we waxed philosophic about the options for my father's care. Our inhibitions lowered, we decided on option No. 3. To this day, I describe that afternoon as accepting the consequences of committing a DUI -- a Decision Under the Influence.
Don't Wait for a Crisis, Plus a Warning for Parents
Most of us become caregivers during a crisis. In our case, it was a crisis followed by a DUI. We often ignore, deny or have a noble reason (like my desire to preserve my father's independence) that prevents us from preparing. And then we're paralyzed by too much uncertainty and feel overwhelmed. The best decisions are rarely made during crisis.
Furthermore, be careful parents and heed this warning: Be nice to all of your children. You'll be surprised by who steps up to be your caregiver. Would I do it again? Yes; especially, if I could go back in time with all I know now.
Brenda Avadian, M.A., is the executive director of The Caregiver's Voice, bringing family and professional caregivers knowledge, hope and joy since 1998. She is a caregiver expert speaker at state and national conferences. The author of nine books, Brenda's career includes university professor, executive coach, keynoter, corporate consultant and caregiver. She also serves as a STUFFologist at STUFFology 101, where she advises people on how to declutter, while helping elders prepare to downsize. Born and raised in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Brenda resides in rural Los Angeles County, California. She serves as a director on the board of the Independent Book Publishers Association and loves hiking in the Angeles National Forest.
