Overdue Idea: A better pantyhose solution

THE ISSUE: Half of you can stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Presentation day in front of the CEO, the board, and everyone else that has the power to give you that VP promotion. You’ve memorized your icebreaker joke and have the PowerPoint ready to go, and the last order of business is a preemptive washroom hit.

You’re pulling up your hose and getting into game-time mode when you snag a nail. You extract it from the nylon with ‘Hurt Locker’ care, but see the damage is done. No problem, because anyone with half a brain has an emergency supply.

You discard the damaged hose and step into the new pair, only to have your foot go right through, because physics and cosmic humour.

Two pairs ruined and no time to run to Shoppers. You’re facing the prospect of going commando and gambling that your boss won’t be checking out your legs.

THE VICTIMS: Men complain about having to wear ties and stiff-collared shirts, but I have to say it boggles the mind that women are still expected to encase their legs in uncomfortable, unbreathing artificial fiber that is maddeningly fragile and costs ten bucks a pop.

If you’ve got he kind of job where you’re wearing that stuff every day, you’re probably going through at least 5 pairs a month, which could pay for a cable TV subscription or an annual return flight to Costa Rica during the high season (seriously, beautiful country).

And when hose go wrong, they go wrong. A hole in the sock is an unseen hassle. Itchy underwear is a private torment. A pantyhose tear draws the eye, and is unrepairable, meaning you either have to endure the embarrassment or ditch them and hope the wind chill abates before you have to go outside.

Surely, a more comfortable and durable leg-covering option is not beyond the realm of possibility?

THE FIX: What am I, a textile engineer? I have no idea. But it seems like this is the kind of thing that should have been solved by now. At the risk of going a bit Crankshaft, we DID put people on the moon… and like, back in the 60s, man. Has nobody been on this file since then? Spacesuits don’t rip, and they’re good against a vacuum at absolute zero. There are trained people out there who could solve this!

Maybe the problem is that capitalists haven’t figured out that coming up with lighter, non-rip hose is going to make someone a lot of money. Imagine if you could buy five pairs and know they’d be good for the year? How much would that be worth?

I’m going to hazard a guess that part of the issue is men making these decisions without having walked a mile in the shoes, so to speak (and I’m not saying I have either, but I’m on your side here). Having spoken to a sizeable swath of potential customers, I’d like to suggest the market is large, moneyed, and itching for a solution.