To paraphrase the original Real Housewives of Potomac pretty girl, Gizelle: word on the street is… Nicki Minaj is hosting the show's season 6 reunion. And no, I'm not kidding; no, this is not a drill. Thanks to someone named "Joe Publicist," Andy Cohen on high, and the undeniable fact that the RHOP franchise is that girl, there seems to be a real possibility that Nicki "BEAM ME UP SCOTTY MIXTAPE OUT NOW" Minaj may be grilling the girls about their marriages, finances, and clitoroplasties come November.
And I know in my logical mind that there's no way the RHOP Housewives could have known about this bizarre development when they were filming way back in 2020 — but deep in my Housewives soul, I feel that there must have been some sort of stirring in subconsciouses because the girls have absolutely come to play this season. Or, at the very least, Mia has. Because not since Jamal Bryant's whole ass telephone number was casually revealed during the season 5 reunion have I seen text activity this juicy.
In four short episodes, Mia has revealed herself to be a polarizing presence in league with some of Housewives' greatest antiheroes. But whether you fall on the side of loving her or hating her, I think that everyone can agree: this is one watchable woman. I want to know so much more about almost every new thing I learn about Mia. I want to know more about her eyebrows and her monochrome outfits; I want to know about her complicated family life and her chiropractic business life; I want to know every single thing about the fact that Mia can't even put her pocketbook down at a pajama party before she has all the other girls absolutely spinning.
So, let's go into it. This episode's trouble starts where most trouble starts: Gizelle attempting to navigate a photoshoot. She is in her signature shade of fuchsia, but luckily, this time she's presented her longtime hairstylist Kal with a reasonable wig to work with. And perhaps it is for that reason that Kal only replies with a gentle, "Um… I think you can," when Gizelle once again tries to float the narrative that it's impossible to make a long-distance relationship work during the pandemic. Perhaps one day soon, one Ms. Nicki Minaj could help Gizelle understand that her ripping Jamal off like the nasty BandAid he is would actually be the best possible thing for her brand — which now apparently includes a podcast with Robyn called "Reasonably Shady."
While getting ready for their podcast photoshoot, Gizelle and Robyn tell Kal about what's been going on with the new girl in their group, Mia. Which is, in a word: everything. They decide that they'd like to get to know Mia without so much interference from the other women, and send her a text invitation to get drinks sometime "without Karen." Gizelle and Robyn nod in agreement that this is absolutely a normal way to invite someone out…
Mia disagrees. In between Gizelle sending the text and Mia responding, we see Ashely and Michael go on a date, and let me tell you something, I am always thrilled not to waste any word count on Michael. Especially when that time could be devoted to one of the most savage text responses I've ever heard. Enter: Wendy and Askale meeting Robyn for a session with her trainer, which includes kettlebells that are bigger than Askale's whole body, as well as a cool-down walk wherein Robyn reveals Mia's wild response to the Green-Eyed Bandits' invitation to cocktails. It's deserving of a full transcription, so here we go:
"Hi Gizelle — unless you want to discuss business, there's nothing I have time to 'talk' to you about. Would you like for me to connect you with my Assistant to pencil you in this week?"
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You guys. ASSISTANT!!! Pencil you in?!?! I gasped at this response. I gagged for this response. I absolutely live for this response. Mia said: send stupid text messages, get stupid invitations to connect with my capital-a Assistant.
Now, let's be clear: in saying "without Karen," Gizelle launched a petty little grenade, which I think Mia rightly identifies as "Gizelle trying to tell me how we're gonna maneuver." In turn, Mia responded to that petty little grenade with an absolute nuclear bomb of passive aggression to let them know exactly how she'll be maneuvering. Did Mia escalate the situation by 100? Sure. But if Gizelle's intention was truly to get to know Mia, well — she just took a shortcut by finding out that Mia is not the one. Or as Mia says in her testimonial: "If she didn't already know I'm the boss — she knows now." Damn.
And things don't end there! Gizelle isn't able to get in with Mia's assistant, but Mia gets an unsolicited response from Gizelle's in the form of Robyn texting back: "Hi Mia, I'm quite taken aback by your rude response. Was something done to you that I'm not aware of? Is this how you treat people who are trying to get to know you?" After a few hours, Mia apologizes to Robyn for the delay in responding, but she was hosting friends for Sunday supper (perhaps if she'd gone through her Assistant, she would have known that). And then this woman — this absolute budding star of a Housewife — ats Gizelle, saying, "@Gizelle — considering my message was directed at you, forgive me if you think I'm being rude. I'm simply being direct."
Of course, Mia isn't being direct. If she was being direct, she might say, "Please don't tell me who I should and should not include in my social calendar." Instead, she said: you may address my Assistant, or you may address no one at all.
And we know that Mia has a capital-a Assistant because we also get a scene of her visiting one of the chiropractic clinics she owns that feels a little bit like she's cosplaying the "business woman's special" scene from Romy & Michele's High School Reunion. Which is to say: I loved it. Mia is waltzing around in her satin blazer, saying meaningless business phrases like "best practices," and ending every sentence with a rhetorical, "right," like she's Mark Damn Cuban. It's as silly as it is captivating, and she caps it all off with the truest businesswoman's special of them all: that pesky little question, "Can women really have it all?" Mia calls home to let her oldest son know that G will need to take him to practice because she has a meeting she needs to prepare for, and G hops on to say that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but this is the third time in a row she's had to skip this particular bit of one-on-one time with her son. In her testimonial, Mia says that being "a boss bitch CEO and also being the boss mom" is a difficult balance.
I have no solutions for balancing personal and professional, but I was glad to see Gizelle working on emulating human emotions after her daughters informed her a few weeks ago that she's not always the most emotionally supportive person. Well, now is Gizelle's time to shine because poor Grace just failed her driver's permit test for the fourth time. And while I truly felt sad for Grace, I was absolutely cackling at Angel and Adore trying to hold it together in the backseat and not laugh at their sister in her time of distress.
And speaking of complex, sisterly dynamics: Candiace has invited everyone to her old townhouse for one last hoorah in the form of a "pajammy jam party." Candiace says that it's weird being back at the old townhouse because every corner holds a memory, and the editors helpfully play a compilation of Candiace's mother asking, "Why would you go over and lick people's asses that haven't done s--- for you," and Candiace threatening Ashely with a butter knife.
Speaking of Ashley, Candiace forgets to invite her to the pajama party, but that's okay because she's literally going into labor while they're taking Fireball shots. So, we are manifesting three things this episode: a healthy birthing experience for Ashley, a fifth and final learner's permit test for Grace, and Nicki Minaj taking a crash course in investigative reporting before hosting the RHOP reunion.
At the pajama party, Wendy shows up in tiny satin shorts and a lace camisole, and Robyn shows up in T.J. Maxx's finest tie-dye sweat set. Karen pairs her black robe with a crystal-encrusted bustier and calls Gizelle's Versace robe a fake. But the two are at least somewhat civil with one another because there's a bigger fish to fry: Mia, and her freewheeling texts. Robyn tells everyone about Mia's rude text, and Karen interjects that her name should have never been included in the invitation. "I said 'without Karen' because I already know you," Gizelle responds, which is actually hilarious.
When Mia arrives at the party last, she truly has barely made it over the threshold before Karen is saying, "I'll go ahead and jump in." She tells Mia that they're talking about the texts, and "we had come to the conclusion that the choice of wording was improper on both sides." That is… certainly not the conclusion that anyone had come to! Gizelle tells Karen not to speak for her, and Mia tells Gizelle that she'll own up to the fact that her response was a little aggressive, "but I don't allow people to dictate or put stipulation on what I do." That seems reasonable enough…
But not to — checks notes — Askale?? Our newest RHOP-Friend says she has held her tongue long enough: "Like, that was very rude." To which Mia offers an even more baffling interjection: "Askale, how many businesses do you own?"
Now, this was a wild response, but I'm going to give Mia the benefit of the doubt that she actually already knows Askale is a "CEO/Founder," as she goes on to call her, and was trying to use that to her advantage, rather than trying to belittle her. Because once Askale answers that she owns "several" businesses, Mia asks if she has time for people "who come to you and put stipulation on how people move." Askale isn't really able to answer because Candiace — who really is bringing an easier energy now that she's "McMansion Candiace" rather than "Townhouse Candiace" — hoists her tiny body onto that townhouse island one last time to say that they're obviously not going to solve the text message debacle via a group chat, so how about some prosecco pong?
So, while the other women get down to poorly bouncing ping pong balls on granite, Mia goes to make individual amends with Gizelle…
And it seems that she really was just on one the other night because she's pretty quick to backpedal a bit now. Mia doesn't apologize for what she said, but she tells Gizelle that she'll "try with my deliverance to be better." Gizelle says she doesn't ever want Mia to text her anything like that again, and Mia replies, "Noted." (Or, more likely, she has her Assistant note it.) Mia says in her testimonial that there are probably a lot of things she does that other women don't like, but she's working on it. And you can consider that comment "noted" in my Fascinating File of Mia.
The episode ends like so many RHOP episodes do: with a game that handily reveals the past sexual exploits of our Housewives. Mia has had a threesome, Karen has not done ecstasy, and I'm pretty sure the women have gummy worms in their glasses of prosecco. See you back here next week — if my assistant can pencil you in, that is!