Actually, there’s a whole bunch of other turkeys that President Trump could pardon | Opinion

An absolutely true news item: President Donald Trump has discussed granting “preemptive pardons” to his three eldest children, his son-in-law Jared Kushner and his personal attorney, Rudolph Giuliani.

Notice from the Office of Presidential Pardons: Due to the unusually high call volume, we now require that all applicants submit their requests directly by email to free-pass-for-felons@whitehouse.gov.

There are five categories to choose from:

1. The Preemptive Presidential Pardon, which covers all federal crimes committed (but not yet exposed) during the Trump presidency to date, and any future crimes scheduled between now and Inauguration Day.

Under the terms of such a broad pardon, Donald Trump Jr., for example, could not be prosecuted for sniping at endangered Florida manatees from the seawall at Mar-a-Lago, as long as the hunt wraps up before Jan. 20.

Please note: When applying for a preemptive pardon, it is advisable NOT to list the serious crimes you committed that have yet to be uncovered or the crimes you hope to commit and get away with during the next six weeks.

2. The Post-Indictment Presidential Pardon, which covers all federal crimes for which the applicant has been charged (but not yet convicted) during the Trump presidency to date, and any future indictments that may be unsealed between now and Inauguration Day.

Under this type of pardon, ex-White House chief strategist Steve Bannon, for example, would not have to face trial for allegedly stealing money that was donated for a new wall along the Mexican border.

Bannon’s pending court case would be dropped, and he could rebuild his shattered freeloader’s life aboard that crazy Chinese billionaire’s yacht.

3. The Post-Conviction Presidential Pardon, which covers all federal crimes for which the applicant has been adjudicated guilty and sentenced to prison.

Such a pardon would theoretically apply to the television personality called “The Tiger King,” who uses the name Joe Exotic and is serving a 22-year federal term for trying to arrange the murder of Carole Baskin, the owner of a rival big-cat zoo.

The White House has been so overwhelmed with calls and correspondence about this unusual case that we are now reminding other pardon applicants NOT to include any intimate photos, homemade music videos, hair samples, or hand-drawn maps of possible burial sites.

A post-conviction presidential pardon would also apply to nonviolent crimes such as tax fraud, bank fraud and witness tampering, for which former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort received a lengthy sentence.

Despite lying repeatedly to investigators during the Ukraine probe, Manafort was allowed to leave prison to serve out the remainder of his time at home. This does not disqualify him from receiving a full and heartfelt presidential reprieve.

Moreover, any pardon applicant who ever refused to cooperate with Robert Mueller’s office or lied to FBI agents in order to protect the president should write that information in capital letters on the very first page, and highlight it with a yellow marker.

4. The Transitional Presidential Pardon, which covers all federal crimes committed on the president’s orders during the forced transition to the pre-crooked Biden administration.

Such pardons would stay in effect only until the day that the president pre-pardons himself, at which point everyone else on his staff is on their own and should immediately seek counsel from any lawyer other than Rudy Giuliani.

5. The Honorary Presidential Pardon, which covers those close to the president who have committed no crimes but feel left out of all the pardoning hoopla.

Applicants could include Tiffany Trump and other members of the president’s family who were snubbed for pre-emptive pardons that Don Jr., Eric, Ivanka and Jared might get.

Also eligible for honorary exoneration would be outspoken loyalists such as Kimberly Guilfoyle, Kayleigh McEnany and the guy who sells all those pillows on TV.

Basically, this is the same kind of hokey amnesty that the president gave those two turkeys on Thanksgiving Day, but it does come on nice parchment that’s suitable for framing.

Individuals seeking to be pardoned in any of the above categories should be aware that it’s illegal to send cash, stock options or tax-free bonds with your applications to the White House, and that such action may result in a need for future pardons from a future, less sympathetic president.

However, hefty donations to the Trump 2024 campaign are welcome.