Protect your relationship against these top financial deal-breakers

[Overspending is the top relationship threat that money can pose. / Thinkstock]

People may love the idea of getting an expensive Valentine’s Day present, but lavish spending could end up killing the romance.

Overspending – not just on Feb. 14 but regularly – is the number-one “relationship killer,” according to a recent survey by GOBankingRates.com.

Nearly 38 per cent of respondents said that spending too much is the greatest financial deal-breaker in a relationship.

More deal-breakers for relationships included being secretive about finances (35.9 per cent) and having too much debt (32.6 per cent). Of the 5,000 American adults surveyed, nearly 20 per cent said being too cheap was a deal-breaker, while 18.2 per cent said the same for poor credit. Nearly 14 per cent said making enough money would doom a romance.

Whether you’re married or playing the dating game, relationship experts say it’s true that money can indeed bring couples big trouble.

“Money is the number one cause of divorce,” says Sig Taylor, marriage counsellor, psychotherapist, and founder of the Calgary Couples Clinic, who explains that money reflects people’s underlying values. And if two people’s fundamental beliefs clash, it can be hard to overcome.

“Money represents security, safety, having a sense of deep connection,” says Taylor. “It represents power, control, self-esteem, status, success… It goes on and on and on.”

New York City relationship and marriage counsellor Bonnie Eaker Weil calls money a hot-button topic and a “relationship wrecker.” That’s because, generally speaking, opposites attract, and when you put a spender and a saver together, there’s going to be a power struggle.

“Money is used to gain control, it’s used for revenge, it’s used as a stand-in for love,” says Eaker Weil, author of Financial Infidelity – Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker. “It’s used to get somebody’s attention. Inevitably, money is about power.”

Money can end up being as destructive as having an affair. If you catch someone lying about finances, consider that a giant red flag.

“There’s no such thing as innocent financial fib,” Eaker Weil says. “It’s a subtle form of cheating.”

Making your relationship money-proof

So if tension and conflict to some degree are almost certain when it comes to money, what are ways couples can broach the subject and still keep their unions intact?

For starters, they need to be willing to have the talk—regularly.

Eaker Weil suggests couples make an appointment with each other lasting at least 10 minutes every week so they can chat all things financial, including expenses, debt, bills, dreams, and goals.

“Each of you puts on a figurative bullet-proof vest,” Eaker Weil says. “What that means is ‘I don’t get angry. I don’t get hurt. I’m not reactive or defensive about what I hear.’ You listen and repeat it [what’s being said] back as many times as you need to make sure you heard the right meaning. Repeating it back minimizes any kind of mind-reading or distortion.

“It’s not about being right or agreeing,” she adds. “It’s called validation. You walk in the other person’s shoes and understand where they’re coming from….You work as a team without criticism and without judgment.”

No matter how dreadful the conversation may be, Taylor points out that being open, honest, and transparent about finances is crucial.

“It’s not what you talk about that hurts relationship; it’s what you don’t talk about,” he says. He suggests identifying and understanding each other’s financial values as a key step toward smooth; so is coming up with a spending plan together.

A “behaviour request” is another strategy Eaker Weil recommends. This entails identifying up to three ways you’re going to “stretch yourself” by doing something around money that’s out of your comfort zone.

Whatever you do, be sure to bring up the subject at an appropriate time if you want to save the relationship.

“Never talk money before having sex or going to sleep,” Eaker Weil says.

The GOBankingRates survey found that men and women are about equally bothered by partners who have too much debt or a bad credit score or who don’t make enough money.

Men, however, are significantly more concerned about overspending than women, while the most common money deal breaker for women is being secretive about finances.