Overdue Idea: The escalating car horn

THE ISSUE: You’re stopped at a red light with about 5 minutes to get to daycare before the cutoff time, at which point you assume they’ll claim your kids and set them to work sewing wallets for export, or worse, charge you extra. The signal turns green, but the car in front of you doesn’t move; the driver is checking email (which is illegal, you know), or daydreaming, or maybe air drumming Phil Collins; just not clueing in that it’s time to move.

You hit the horn, the HONK jolting the guy from his trance. But instead of hitting the gas, he gives you the finger, and makes increasingly threatening gestures in your direction. Clearly he’s taken offense, and you’re now going to pay for your reasonable impatience with obscenities and abuse.

THE VICTIMS: Some drivers enter traffic just itching to lean on the horn, while some never use it, even if they may be completely justified.

It’s understandable, as a loud toot in traffic is often a precursor to an outbreak of road rage, or at the very least an uncomfortable staredown. But horns serve a purpose. Automobiles are obliged to have them, and for good reason. How many no-look lane change disasters have been avoided by a quick blare? Even in the example above, if the daydreamers are allowed to doze unmolested in front of green lights, traffic would grind to a halt.

THE FIX: The world would be a better place if we could all calm down in our cars and lay off the horn except in times of emergency. But that ain’t the world we live in. So instead of a one-note horn, what if we gave drivers some options?

The Escalating Car Horn would have three distinct voices, and hey, we’ll even give them names.

1. The Canadian - An inoffensive, nearly apologetic bleep designed to meekly suggest that the driver ahead has become lax in her duty to giddy up. This would be the one you use at the stoplight.

2. The Alert - This is the safety horn, the one you use when the Hummer is about to back in to you and you have an inkling the Hummer’s going to win. It would be loud, but respectful. Anyone using this horn has good reason to use it.

3. The Sean Avery - This is the elbow to the head, the audio equivalent of the middle finger. In fact, you may want to disconnect it if dislike conflict. Loud and jarring, this is the horn you use when the car that should have let you in doesn’t let you in because, well, the driver’s a jerk, and you really really need to let him know that.

There are a lot of ways to get someone’s attention verbally, but a car horn is a blunt instrument. It’s time to sharpen it.