Marriage and money are inextricably linked in America, from how married people are taxed differently all the way to the perception of those who married for money, or earned it or lost it once they were married. In economic times like these, it's only natural to wonder what happens to the family when the family finances take a nosedive.
The bad news is, statistically, money is typically the driving force behind a marriage meltdown. The good news, however, is that it's not everything. In other words, a marriage surviving a downturn depends more on what a couple's finances and relationship were like before money truly mattered.
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In polls of what couples fight about, money is regularly in the top three reasons for marital discord—and that's especially the case among people who have a lot of it.
"When you have a lot of money, the wealth can offset a lot of other issues that come up," says Russ Alan Prince, president of market research firm Prince & Associates. "When things are going well, if you don't like the other person, you can go shopping. When things go bad, all of a sudden people have to talk to each other."
A Prince & Associates survey of 93 divorce lawyers for high-net-worth clients found that 83 per cent of wealthy people would call it quits if their finances drastically deteriorated.
Money equals stressFinancial conflict isn't limited to the rich, however. Nationwide, stress over housing costs and job stability have increased by six per cent and eight per cent, respectively, since April of this year, according to the American Psychological Association's Annual Stress in America poll. And with all that increased stress comes the increased likelihood of irritability, anxiety and sexual dysfunction, all of which can take their toll on interpersonal relationships.
"It's more about what fears are underneath, about what losing money means to people," says New York City-based marriage and family therapist Dana Gallante. Fear about losing status in the neighbourhood, not being able to send your child to a good college or not being able to retire as early can build tension, she explains.
And so can missing out on the fun couples feel they've earned together over the years.
"If you've been paying your mortgage for 20 years and deferring a lot of pleasure for later, to have that suddenly taken away, well, that can be hard on people," says Jonathan Rich, Ph.D., psychologist and author of
The Couples Guide to Love and Money. So hard in fact, that in Orange County, Calif., where housing has depreciated exponentially in recent months, the number of divorce cases opened in July and September of this year has increased five per cent from the same months in 2007.
Tension over tightening upEven couples who haven't experienced major financial repercussions as a result of the downturn might clash over funds. Olivia Mellan, author of
Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships, says most fights begin with a disagreement about financial strategy. One partner may tend to save and worry, while the other might spend extravagantly without considering the consequences. When there isn't as much of a cushion, those differences can spark fights.
"In the late '90s, when everything was going up, a partner who was a bigger risk-taker looked very smart and could be forgiven for his risky proclivities, but now that things are going down, the person who is less inclined to take risks is saying, 'See, if we had just saved this way, like I said, maybe we wouldn't be in this situation,' and that can take a toll on a marriage," explains Rich.
All that may sound depressing, but Gallante insists there's a silver lining.
"Although people might not want to hear this right now, there is potential benefit in the current economic situation for couples and families to band together and get down to the basics of what is important to them." The key, she says, is to take stock of your goals and keep the lines of communication open.
"In times like these," she says, "you have to really lean on your partner to express your worst fears."
That's just the sort of thing that can prevent the toughest expense to swallow of all during a downturn: divorce lawyers.
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In Pictures: Eight Threats To Marriage In A Downturn
